Last month while browsing through Facebook, I came across a letter that is being forwarded around the net. It was posted in one of the groups that I frequent. The letter has been credited to someone named Melinda Hawkins and it reads thusly:
Dear Autism, Because of you I have never known a day of normal parenting. Because of you my children will never know a normal day, or be able to interpret their surroundings correctly.
Because of you, the world can be a scary place to them, and to me. I worry all the time, about the next melt down, the next anxiety attack, or screaming tantrum that makes every parent in a store turn and look my direction. I worry my children will never have a normal life, a normal career, a normal anything.
Despite that, you still don’t DEFINE my children. You don’t have control, and despite the countless hours of therapy, intervention, extra time chasing down teachers, IEP, and researching more ways to help them, you still won’t win. The things we have been through make us stronger our house is full of love.
Because of great doctors, and specialists, we are able to communicate, understand, find interventions we need. It’s not a normal life but by all means, it’s still a good one.
I’m thankful you are Autism instead of Cancer, or the many other conditions that could be considered worse. Autism, you have taught us how to be more patient, you have taught me how to love stronger, how to be smarter, how to be more resourceful as a parent. You’ve taught me to educate, to advocate, to stand up for what I believe in (my kids). You’ve taught me to be more understanding of other parents, to fight harder, to be there more, to have more faith.
Because of you, I’m better as a parent. I pay attention more. I worry more. I’m more involved because I need to be, not just because I want to be. So thanks, Autism. because my kids are worth the fight.
As I stated in the opening paragraph, the letter is attributed to a Melinda Hawkins. I’d like to respond to the contents of Ms. Hawkins’ letter and share my thoughts on the subject.
I found the letter very offensive and I posted to that effect on the Wall of the group where I first saw it posted. I’d like to post at length on the letter here … not to Melinda Hawkins, or to any person in particular. This response will be a letter that I am sending “into the void.”
“Dear Autism, Because of you I have never known a day of normal parenting.”
What is normal parenting? Is there a blanket method of parenting that can cover all kids? I don’t think so. If we assume that part of the problems we see in society (drug and alcohol dependence, criminal behavior, etc.) can be attributed to one’s upbringing, can we say that a “tried and true” method of parenting worked for any of these people if in fact such parenting tactics were employed? How many kids, autistic or non-autistic, grow up to be unsuccessful adults?
My point is that every child is different and every child requires a different kind of parenting. If we pigeonhole kids, we turn them into robots, making them into things they may not want to be.
“Because of you my children will never know a normal day, or be able to interpret their surroundings correctly.”
Every day is different for everyone. “Normal” is a relative term. What is normal to you may not be normal to me. And what is the “correct” way to interpret surroundings? Autistics can cause people to see the world in beautiful new ways, especially the ones who have hypersensitivities, hyposensitivities, and synaesthesia.
“Because of you, the world can be a scary place to them, and to me.”
Autistics see the world as it is, perhaps because they do not have the “blinders” that other people have. The world IS a scary place. It’s full of loud noises, rude people. Thieves, rapists, and criminals. That autistics cannot shut these things out of their minds is a credit to them, because many of those try to change the world to make it a better place.
“I worry all the time, about the next melt down, the next anxiety attack, or screaming tantrum that makes every parent in a store turn and look my direction.”
I’m sorry if autistics embarrass you, but I am equally sorry if you cannot understand what things might cause autistics to melt down. Stroboscopic lights, obnoxious people who bully autistics even as parents and teachers tell autistics to “be nice”, people who think “little white lies” are not lies, etc., all upset autistics. Why? Because anything that hurts the brain cannot be healthy.
Anyone who refuses to stop bullying when they see it is a complicit bully, and therefore dangerous. Anyone who lies — no matter how “white” that lie is — must be a liar.
“I worry my children will never have a normal life, a normal career, a normal anything.”
All parents have this fear. The thing is, when you accepted the responsibility of being a parent, you also accepted the possibility that you would have to care for your child for the duration of your life. Whether you were consciously aware of this agreement or not is irrelevant. You have no excuse. There were other parents with other children — other special needs children — for you to look at and think over before you became a parent — a special needs parent — yourself.
“Despite that, you still don’t DEFINE my children.”
Autism defines your child, and the sooner you accept that, the better. How would you define yourself on a dating website? If you are a woman, you might say, “I am a tall, blonde, blue-eyed executive at a consulting firm.” Any of the adjectives in that sentence define you. Because the word “autistic” is an adjective, it defines anyone who is autistic.
“You don’t have control, and despite the countless hours of therapy, intervention, extra time chasing down teachers, IEP, and researching more ways to help them, you still won’t win.”
Well, I hate to tell you this, but you are only half-right. What if I told you I don’t like your eye-color? What could I do to change that? I could make you wear dark glasses, or colored contact lenses. But underneath the dark glasses or colored contact lenses, your real eye color would still be there … unless I gouged out your eyes. At present, you cannot gouge out your child’s autism.
You CAN subject your child to the same sorts of disciplinary methods that B.F. Skinner used on lab rats. You know the ones I mean? The ones Lovaas, the founder of Applied Behavior Analysis used to control what he called “little monsters.” The word “monsters” was Lovaas’ words for autistics and certainly not a word that I would use to describe a child much less a child with autism. But autistics will retain their autism, and do you know what seems to work very well with autistics? Loving them the way they are, rather than trying to shape them into your personal ideal.
If you are a woman, do you resent the fact that society wants you to have a Barbie doll figure? If you are a man, do you resent the commercials that suggest women won’t like you because you are “small?” Then why is it okay to change your autistic kids? Don’t you think they get the message that you don’t like them the way they are? Just think how much they have to go through, trying to change to meet your expectations.
“The things we have been through make us stronger our house is full of love.”
Really? What kind of love is it when someone says “I love you, BUT … ?”
“Because of great doctors, and specialists, we are able to communicate, understand, find interventions we need.”
One thing it might help for people to realize is that there is an assumption being made here. The assumption is that autistics don’t try to communicate. To communicate with a deaf person, we use sign language. If we want to impart a written message to a blind person, we give them a letter written in Braille.
But if some people want to communicate with an autistic person, they subject them to therapy and “beat the autistic” out of them until they pay attention. And then they thank the people and programs which made that possible. What is it that makes an autistic a second class citizen in some people’s eyes? “It’s not a normal life but by all means, it’s still a good one.” Glad we agree.
“I’m thankful you are Autism instead of Cancer, or the many other conditions that could be considered worse.”
So am I. Cancer cannot be worked with and needs to be cured. Autistics CAN be worked with; this is not about a cure.
“Autism, you have taught us how to be more patient, you have taught me how to love stronger, how to be smarter, how to be more resourceful as a parent. You’ve taught me to educate, to advocate, to stand up for what I believe in (my kids). You’ve taught me to be more understanding of other parents, to fight harder, to be there more, to have more faith. Because of you, I’m better as a parent. I pay attention more. I worry more. I’m more involved because I need to be, not just because I want to be. So thanks, Autism. because my kids are worth the fight.”
It’s good that autism taught you this lesson. Just think of what kind of parent you would be if you had never had a child with autism.
Thomas D. Taylor
Co-Creator
MIDNIGHT IN CHICAGO
